I'm Very Fearful

It's been a few months since I've posted and a lot has happened. I've got a good feeling that this post will pretty much be one big stream of consciousness, so feel free to pull up a chair and allow me to catch you up on what's been going on.

As you may remember, April was supposed to be our first IUI month and was devastatingly cancelled on my husband's birthday.

In May, we had our first IUI. I was cautiously optimistic and after what we went through in April, I was honestly just thrilled to be pursuing anything at all. But being the fairly intuitive person that I am, there was a part of me that knew it didn't work. A doctor that wasn't my own performed the procedure and was not very friendly. I went into procedure day stressed out. The stars just weren't aligning.

I got my period and didn't even cry. (My infertility sisters know what a win this is!)

On Memorial Day, I got called back to work from furlough.

Ok, Linds. That's not what we're talking about...

No, no I promise you, it's relevant. Keep reading.

In June, we had our second IUI. I felt reallllyyyy good about this one. My doctor performed the procedure. We had a great talk. Things seemed to align and I was more hopeful.

I got my period and, miraculously, didn't even cry. I was hopeful for round three, as it was always our plan to do 3 IUIs before "moving to other steps."

Also in June, I started working 12-17 hours a day, 7 days a week. (See, I told you it was relevant.) And no, I'm not exaggerating. Just ask my husband who literally had to do everything around the house with no help for an entire month.

Because of this, we made the extremely difficult decision to take a month off from IUIs in the month of July so I could focus on work. Frankly, I never thought I would be the type of person to put the most important thing in my life on hold for the sake of my job. And it sucked.

On the day I got my period leading into our 3rd and final IUI cycle in August, I received some of the best advice that I've gotten throughout this entire process- to schedule an IVF consult. They schedule out super far in advance so don't wait until the cycle is over. Book it now... just in case. Because the goal is to not need it, right? Right. Because the IUI could still take. It could. It might.

But I knew it didn't. In fact, when I walked out of the procedure and got into my car, I googled "IVF podcast"(I landed on IVFML and highly recommend it, by the way) because I knew in that moment that it was time.

Time to officially switch my mindset.

Time to get ready for the hardest thing I've ever put my body through to date.

Time for not one injection monthly, but multiple injections. Daily.

Time to pursue IVF.

I

V

F

Three letters that will consume every day, hour, and moment of my life from this point forward until the day I get pregnant.

I think that throughout our time doing IUIs, I've slowly been preparing myself for it. I think a part of me knew these IUIs just weren't going to be successful. I wanted to believe they would be, but my heart knew. And leading up to now, I've been so hopeful at the prospect of IVF because it felt like a failsafe. A safety net. A Hail Mary. "Well if the IUIs don't work, we'll just do IVF." It's always been the light at the end of the tunnel just waiting for us to get to it.

But now we're here. And since yesterday morning when our need to pursue IVF became official, that hopefulness is now presenting more as fear. And the light at the end of the tunnel has revealed another, longer tunnel. The longest tunnel yet.

I'm

Very

Fearful

Now that it's here and it's our next step, I can't help but think... what happens if it doesn't work? Holy shit- it might not work. What will we do if it doesn't work? Up until now, we've always had a next step planned. But there's no clear next step after this. And that's terrifying.

As our story has become more public and our social media following has grown, we will be sharing this process with all of you as we go through it. Obviously, my biggest fear is it not working. But I also find peace knowing that our openness will cause us to be surrounded with an immense support system if that happens.

And, if I can be selfish for a second, I also am coping with this fact that if we do get pregnant through IVF, our choice to share means we likely will not get to announce in the fun, surprise way that most people get to. But we will cross that bridge when we get to it, and may make the decision to stop sharing for a few months regardless of the outcome so that we can either grieve, or focus on the pregnancy. Let's hope for the latter.

Man oh man it is so annoying that I even have to think about these things. Recently, I've found myself personifying infertility. It helps me justify blaming it for everything it has robbed me of. Infertility has broken it's way into our lives and stolen our chance at a surprise pregnancy announcement, my ability to feel as much joy for other pregnant people as I know I truly want to feel, and so much more.

Infertility is not fair.

Would you even believe me when I tell you I've faced adversity for talking about our infertility? I've been told that I'm just rushing it. I've been told that I'm selfish to spend all my money on a kid that doesn't even exist yet when there are plenty of kids that need homes (this is an entirely separate topic for another blog post).

But we didn't choose infertility. People who get pregnant easily aren't told that they rushed it. They aren't made to feel selfish for not adopting first. They're celebrated for their pregnancy. But because we are having medical issues, people have something to say about our "choices." Isn't that insane when pregnancy itself is not a choice??

I don't type all this to harp on the negative. But I mention it because I recently discovered that there is, what I call, Pregnancy Privilege in our society. This topic could also easily be an entire blog post on its own. But simply put- people who are able to get pregnant on their own often don't realize their fortune. They are sometimes blind to how scientifically challenging it is to conceive, even on the first or second try. And, most importantly, they have no idea the hardships endured by those dying to be in their shoes but aren't because of something that is not at all within their control.

At this point, I can't even fathom the fact that people actually get pregnant FOR FREE. And multiple times, at that. It baffles me that most of America walks around pushing kids out like they're a BOGO special at Macy's while 1 in 8 couples have to dish out their life savings just for a CHANCE to have one child of their own. Our healthcare system is fucked up but, again, topics for another blog post.

Anyways, it's late. This post didn't have cohesive direction. And we're doing IVF.

Our consult is September 2nd. We appreciate your love, support, and prayers as we take you on this journey with us.