Support.

I've worn my "soon" necklace every day for over a year now. It is a reminder of the mountain we had to climb in order to achieve this pregnancy and has acted as a ressurance that the pain of that journey would eventually end.

As I prepare for my "soon" to finally be realized with the birth of our daughter, I'd like to share with you a blog post that I wrote back in June and never got around to publishing. Our experience with infertility flipped our world upside down, and has caused me to become a lifetime advocate for the infertility community. We don't know if we will have to reopen our wounds and walk this road again to have more children in the future. Regardless, we do know that our experience has given us a powerful opportunity to be a voice on a topic that is otherwise seen as taboo in our society. Anywho, let's get to the blog:

It's something I get asked about semi-frequently.

How can I support someone going through infertility when I've never gone through it myself?

The answer to this question really depends on the person going through it. And the type of support they need may change from moment to moment. But I'm going to spend some time giving some suggestions based on my own experience and the experiences of those I've personally gotten to know in the infertility community.

Also, if you decide to read this, I'd like to thank you in advance. I know the people, like you, who decide to read this are the kind that genuinely care about the feelings and realities that others are facing- even if they are unfamiliar to you. The fact that you're making a conscious choice to be an empathetic human being is pretty cool. And super appreciated. Anyways, let's get into it.

When To Bring It Up.

The journey of infertility is complicated and quite frankly, fascinating. It's natural for people to be inquisitive about the process when they are unfamiliar. But when is the right time to bring it up with someone going through it? Here's how I'd recommend feeling it out.

If they are someone like me that has historically been open to sharing and is comfortable doing so, you're probably good to ask them at any time. However, people like that are often a rare breed. It's way more common for people not to be open-book, over-sharers the way that I am.

So let's say it's someone who has mentioned or alluded to their struggles only briefly. (Or perhaps you heard from someone else that they were going through it.) This is a situation where I would recommend not talking about it unless that person brings it up. If they want to talk about it, they will. Otherwise, it is none of your business and you will just have to accept that.

Okay, Lindsay. I get that. Especially for acquaintances/friends that I'm not super close to. But how am I supposed to provide support to a close friend or family member if I don't talk about it or know what's going on?

If, and ONLY if, you have a close enough relationship with the person that you feel you absolutely need to say something, I highly recommend a statement rather than a question. Let me show you what I mean between these two different tactics.

"Hey. I remember you mentioning a month or two ago that you were struggling to get pregnant & were going to see a specialist. How did that go?"

Though well-intended, this response can put pressure on the person because it forces a response or answer to the question. Overall, this absolutely shows support. But if the person on the receiving end truly doesn't want to divulge how that appointment with the specialist went, you've inadvertently put them in an uncomfortable position.

Try this instead.

"Hey. I remember you mentioning a month or two ago that you were struggling to get pregnant & were going to see a specialist. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just know that I'm here for you if you need anything."

This response not only provides support, but also still gives the receiver the option whether or not to share more. Ball stays in their court where it belongs.

Person-First Language

In my professional life, we go through training on person-first language when it comes to Disability Awareness. For example, instead of calling someone a "blind man," we are taught to make an effort to instead refer to him as a "man with a visual impairment." This puts the person before (and ultimately above) their disability.

Though infertility is not a disability, I think this mindset can be applied. Let's again take the example of someone who had an important doctors appointment. You knew they had the appointment. Instead of asking "how was your appointment?", instead ask "how are you feeling after your appointment?"

Make it about the person. Because at the end of the day, the results of the appointment shouldn't matter anyways, right? Of course you want only good things for them. But from the standpoint of the person going through it, it can very easily start to feel like people only want updates on the process. And this can put pressure on the person struggling because they know what everyone is hoping for at the end of the process- a fun, cute, new baby to love on in their life.

Only asking about the results of an appointment can come off as being more interested in the finish line (baby) rather than the runner in the race (the person you care about).

When you ask how they are feeling after appointments or certain milestones, you are showing genuine support for the human being that you care about. And that no matter what the results of the appointment were, you recognize that the person in front of you is going through hell and that you care about their well being as they go through it.

Announcing a Pregnancy

This is a tough-y. The topic of announcing a pregnancy to someone struggling with infertility came up the other day in a pregnant moms group chat that I'm in on Facebook. The result was a lot of great conversation & insight on the topic from the few of us in the group that have walked a mile in those shoes. It's actually what inspired this entire blog post. I think I'll format this section in a list of Do's and Don'ts.

Don't:

• Tell them in person. This causes pressure for an excited, happy reaction from them which frankly, they might not have. (If you're feeling yourself getting offended by that, take a step back a realize that although you might not understand why they can't be fully happy for you, you need to be GRATEFUL that you don't. Read that again. And feel free to read my post "Dear 2021: Be Better" for more insight on this.) When you tell them in person, you also risk them totally breaking down in front of you. Or running to the bathroom to breakdown. Don't. Do. It.

• Tell them via phone call. Some might disagree with me on this one. But my perspective is that the phone call is still live and on the spot. They still have to verbalize congratulatory sentiments & happiness for you in the moment. And that can be difficult. Not as bad as in person, but not your best option either.

• Avoid telling them or letting them be the last to know. Although this may be more convenient for the person announcing, this stings for the infertility warrior. A friend of mine recently had a miscarriage and had an acquaintance reach out asking how "the baby making" was going. My friend respectfully engaged in dialogue with her. And only one hour after their conversation, the acquaintance posted a public pregnancy announcement. WTF??? She couldn't have mentioned it in their conversation in which she was prying about the other person's personal life anyways? Don't leave infertility warriors in the dark about your pregnancy. It's only more isolating & can make them feel like their infertility is a fault of theirs, causing them to be left out.

Do:

• Tell them in a text. I know, I know, this seems impersonal. But hear me out. When you send a text, you're not forcing them to act any way other than exactly how they're feeling in that moment. It gives them the opportunity to cry, scream, or punch a pillow in private. Keep in mind- they are happy for you. But this moment is also a strong reminder of how sad they are for themselves. And that's likely a moment they will want to have behind closed doors.

• Give them a heads up on your announcement. Planning to go public on Friday with that cute onesie photo? Give your friend advanced notice of when that's happening. That way, whether they want to join in the comments to celebrate or avoid social media all together, they have the foresight to make the best choice for them.

Gift Giving

Gifts aren't one of my main love languages, but man oh man are they awesome to receive while going through infertility. The journey can feel lonely and just knowing that someone thought about you enough to send you something in the mail to make you smile... it's hard to explain how meaningful that is. I've been asked on multiple occasions about what types of gifts are appropriate, so I've put together a list of recommendations.

Overall, you can never go wrong with self-care items. It's important for women to treat their minds and bodies well throughout the journey of infertility. So items that make that easier (or even just a little more fun) are always welcome!

TIP: In the times that I've sent something to a fellow infertility warrior, I usually buy multiple items on Amazon and request for the shipment to be in as few boxes as possible. That way, they arrive together in the form of a care package!

Here are some of my favorite things that I received:

• Fuzzy socks- Keeping your feet warm is recommended in many steps of the infertility journey.

• Dry Shampoo- Because there are days where you just don't have the energy to put yourself together and act like a functioning adult.

• Hydrating Face Masks- There's nothing like getting into bed early the night before a procedure, slapping on a face mask, and binging a tv show to get you relaxed.

• Journals- Even though some people may not like to share, it can still be helpful to get thoughts out in writing. (There are infertility-specific ones on Amazon!)

• Adult Coloring Books- Helps to pass the time. Infertility involves so. much. waiting.

• Edible Arrangement- I received one that was fully pineapple, and pineapple is known in the fertility world to often have great benefits because of the bromelain that it contains. (Not to mention the pineapple has become a symbol of representation for the infertility community!)

Giving Advice

I've got some advice when it comes to giving infertile people advice...

Don't. LOL.

No but really... unless someone is specifically asking you for your opinions on their fertility journey, it is never ever ever ever ever appropriate to give it to them. EVEN IF YOU'VE ALSO STRUGGLED YOURSELF. What worked for you does not matter unless you are specifically being asked about your experience.

I know it can feel natural to try to give advice or share your own experiences if someone opens the conversation about their own struggles, because you want to feel like you are contributing to the conversation. But the best things to say are phrases such as "I'm sure that must be really difficult." "I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through that." "Wow, you're really educating me."

Here are some things that are commonly said to those going through infertility in an attempt to help, but in fact usually have the opposite effect:

"I know how you feel. It took us 5 months to conceive our second and it was so difficult to see all those negatives."

It can take the average, perfectly fertile couple up to 12 months to conceive naturally. This is basically saying "I can relate to your infertility because I'm fertile." Which makes no sense and doesn't help... at all. I don't say this to discredit the heartbreak that any woman might feel when she sees a negative test. But a few months of normal, unsuccessful trying does not compare to the potential years of negatives, doctors appointments, semen analysis', blood collections, invasive ultrasounds, surgeries and procedures that infertile couples go through. I understand that the purpose of a response like this is to create reliability and empathy, but it's like trying to make apples seem similar to potatoes. It don't work.

"Have you tried ____?"

*Insert recommendations ranging from getting drunk or going on a weekend getaway, to invasive procedures that have nothing to do with the diagnosis at hand.* The answer to this question is yes, by the way. If the person you're talking to is in the trenches of an infertility battle, I promise you they've tried it. Whatever "it" is.

"I bet it'll happen if you stop thinking about it. Sometimes your body just needs to relax."

Has this allegedly worked for some people in the past? Sure. But it's also important to recognize that for many people, infertility results in a true, real, medical diagnosis. An issue that they are working through with a medical professional. And relaxing won't cure their infertility any more than it would cure diabetes. Saying this to someone will get you a big, old-fashioned eye roll.

"Just remember, this is God's plan. Trust His plan."

Lots to unpack here. First and foremost, if you are not familiar with the person's spiritual or religious beliefs, this is simply not appropriate to say. But let's assume you say this to someone you know well. Someone you know believes in God. This can still be upsetting to hear. Because this type of statement gives justification to their pain and suffering. It attempts to put a bandaid on a gushing wound, and comes off as an explanation of why these horrible things have happened to them. Infertility challenges every part of your being, including spirituality. I found myself believing in God but also being reeeeaaallly pissed off at Him. And I think that's okay. Those emotions can coexist during many moments in life (general disappointment, missed opportunities, mourning losses, etc).

Even after getting pregnant, and especially after the announcement of my sister's pregnancy in tandem with mine, I still hear this a LOT. "See? It was all God's timing." And hear me when I say this- I believe it was. But when it's said to me, it still comes off as "See? All that worrying you did is invalidated. The hell you put your body through, the 130+ needles that you stuck into your body, and the anxiety & depression that your husband suffered through didn't matter! Your suffering might have felt bad at the time, but it led to something good! So time to let it go!"

I've explained this to people in the past and have had them get defensive with me. As if I should know what THEY mean when they say that. As if the way I'm interpreting my pain isn't correct because I should know them and their intentions better when they mention God's plan. But maybe, just maybe, people going through infertility aren't looking for you to explain this to them. Maybe they don't want their hellish reality justified- even by God. Maybe they just need you to care. (And take the feedback when you are perceived otherwise.)

Conclusion

I clearly had a lot to say on this topic! It's been a hot minute since I've blogged, so I guess I had a mental backlog lol.

All of these thoughts are my own and I can't speak for everyone that is or has gone through infertility. But I hope that this helps someone out there looking to be an ally or support system.