Let's Talk About It.

It seems like a perfectly innocent, perfectly normal thing to do. She's in her mid twenties. She's been married for over 3 years. So we ask.

"When are you gonna have kids?"

The majority of America thinks they are making meaningful small talk with this inquiry. But there's 12.5% of the population who are impacted by this seemingly harmless question in a way that is hard to describe. But that's why I'm here. That's why I'm writing this. To find ways to describe this feeling and to help show others (who care enough to learn) how they can become an ally rather than an accidental trigger for incredibly raw emotions.

This will be candid. There may be cussing. There may be examples that involve the person reading this.

Yep, you.

It's not to make you feel bad. I won't call you out by name. I'm not mad at you. I'm actually grateful for you because if you find you're one of the people I'm speaking about in these stories, you helped to inspire the education on this topic. So thank you, truly.

I'm also writing this because dammit, it needs to be talked about.

This is a topic that is always so hush, hush. WHY?! 1 in 8 couples struggle with this. Why is it such a secret in our culture?

Let me start by saying this- we are not considered infertile at this time. To be "labeled" (eye roll) that way, you have to have been actively trying for 12 months with no success. We've not hit 12 months yet. But we're almost there. And I'm not looking forward to it. I pray every day that we won't get there.

And I've said this all along: It only takes one month of unsuccessful trying to understand the heartache, feel the pain, and become an instant ally for others that struggle to conceive or have fought an infertility battle.

Now before you start thinking things like "Hmm maybe there's something they're not doing right," (lol) allow me to tell you some of the things we've done over the past 8 months to help this effort:

Keto diet

Tracked ovulation

Cut caffeine

CoQ10

SME Plan

Hundreds of dollars in acupuncture

Socks to bed

Vitamins

Saging of the home

Meetings with a spiritualist

and so much more.

Imagine doing all of these things, mentioning your journey in front of people you know, then hearing responses like these:

"You just have to relax."

"Margaritas ALWAYS work!"

"You're young still, don't rush it."

What would you say? What would you think? How would you feel? For me, it's mostly been one big tongue bite. And those who know me personally know that I'm not a tongue biter. Shit rolls out of my mouth faster than I can stop it most times (I'm working on that).

Like the time a family friend asked when I was gonna "start making babies" and I responded "I'm not sure! But enough about me, how's your unprotected sex going??!" As a middle aged Italian woman, she was mortified. But she got the point.

What if I had just suffered a chemical pregnancy? Or a miscarriage? And suddenly I get asked THAT question... Could you imagine?? THIS HAPPENS TO PEOPLE EVERY DAY.

And I get it, "they couldn't have known that when they asked." But the process of conceiving is so incredibly personal for so many people and there are so many uncontrollable factors. The point is to stop talking about pregnancy as if it's a decision. Even the couple that wants a baby and gets pregnant on the first try did not make a decision to be pregnant. They were fortunate enough that science happened to be on their side. Period. So please,

stop asking young couples why they don't have kids yet.

I firmly believe if this topic was talked about more openly and not kept as such a deep, dark secret, people might actually start to comprehend how rude it is to ask people these types of questions. So let's talk about it. I've got a lot to say and I hope you'll join me on this journey of putting thoughts into writing.

Perhaps we'll all learn something.