I'd like for you to think for a moment about the one thing in life that you want more than anything.
The one thing that would make you happier than anything else. Maybe its your dream home. Maybe it's to be debt free. Or the ability to have one last conversation with someone you've lost.
Are you thinking about it?
Now, I want you to imagine that the opportunity for you to have that one thing exists. All you have to do is run a marathon and at the end of the marathon, shoot a basketball into a basket. If you complete the task, you get your one thing that you desire most in this world. Would you do it? Would you try to run the marathon?
Of course you would.
But throughout the marathon you begin to doubt yourself. By mile 8 out of 26.2, you're wondering if you will even finish. You debate quitting. You hear people on the sidelines whispering how they don't understand why you're putting yourself through it. You get upset at yourself for the small breaks you take along the way and second guess everything you put in your body thinking it might hinder your ability to complete the task. But you keep going despite your lack of confidence. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting.
And then you cross the finish line. You fuckin did it. You made it through and got yourself to the basketball hoop. You take the basketball. You shoot a perfect shot.
And you miss.
It was all for nothing. All of it. The whole marathon. That's it. There's no going back. There's no do-overs. You missed the basket. Maybe the wind took it. Maybe the ball was a little deflated. There's no way to know. But you don't get that one thing you so desperately want more than anything in this world. And your only option is to start the marathon again.
This is infertility.
We've missed 13 baskets. I know people who have missed more than 50.
I say all of this to help those who may not understand infertility to be able to grasp what this feels like. And I want to share with you a few things that I feel like I have become hyperaware of throughout this process:
#1 Is the fact that the topic of infertility is so misunderstood. Now please hear me on this- if you are reading this right now as someone who truly does not understand infertility, this is not your fault and I am not blaming you.
The problem exists within our culture. I spoke to a friend at work a few weeks ago who shared that she had a miscarriage back in 2012 and struggled in silence at work, only to find out in 2018 that 3 other women in her office were dealing with the same thing.
Why have we as a society waited so long to talk about this??!! Why is this discussion a new thing?!
There are people in physical and emotional pain in your workplace right now who are afraid to talk about what they are going through because up until this point, we have promoted a narrative that it's embarrassing, inappropriate, and "TMI." Yet we talk about the diseases, surgeries, death, and so many other elements of being human as small talk.
#2 for things that I am now incredibly hyper-aware of is how our country has failed overall when it comes to sex education in schools. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in an open conversation about infertility and end up educating someone about things they never knew about conceiving.
I'm serious. I even educated a 62-year-old mother of two that, depending on the person, there could potentially only be 48 hours in an entire month that a woman can physically conceive. She's had two children and didn't even fully understand how. Does that not sound insane?!
Why was I the first person to ever teach her this? It's happening in her own body!!
Imagine if we actually educated teenagers on the fact that the chance of conception post-ovulation decreases dramatically. Imagine if we actually taught them about more than just a period and actually helped them to be in tune with their own bodies. Imagine if in the year 2020 we stopped using scare tactics and started actually teaching them how to make mature, informed choices based on the biology of what's happening inside of them. Imagine what effect that could potentially have on teenage pregnancy rates.
(Now, I'm no idiot. Do *accidents* still happen? Of course. But I hope you understand I am simply trying to imply that no matter how different our bodies may be, there are steps that can be taken to better understand the science of our bodies. I believe if we actually taught this to people, *accidents* might just decrease.)
And lastly, there's #3.
Through all of this, I've became very hyper-aware of my appreciation for life.
The opportunity to be a living human being on this Earth is like a one in 50 million shot. We have a responsibility to make the most of every freakin moment that we take breath into our lungs because just being here is practically a lottery win. This struggle has actually helped me to see life in a way that I haven't before. I walk with more gratitude in my step. I meditate more meaningfully. I seek to see the big picture of insignificant "problems." And though it may seem lofty to you, there has been a shift in my perspective of what it means to exist.
*I need to stop the blog right here and point out something. Everything up until the line I am typing right now was written on the night of January 25th, 2020. The next morning, Kobe Bryant passed away in a helicopter accident. I know this probably isn't how you though this post might end, but this realization feels profound enough to just leave it at that.*
Infertility is misunderstood. Education is important. Life is precious.
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