Alright- here it is. The story of my HSG experience.
Reader be advised: this one gives details about a medical procedure. I keep it pretty PG but just in case you don't wanna know about this type of stuff, this is your warning.
HSG: Histero Salpingogram
Translation?
A good ole flush out of the female reproductive organs.
I scheduled the procedure for 7:15am on Friday, December 21st and walked into the hospital outpatient area to find Christmas Carolers singing in the lobby. (Shoutout to AdventHealth Celebration Hospital for the calming, positive juju at such a pure hour of the day.)
I had done my research about the procedure and knew that some women experience pain during and cramping after, so I dragged hubby along to drive me... and also to buy me breakfast afterwards because let's be honest- your girl is motivated by a breakfast biscuit.
We get sent up to imaging where we are met by the most delightful hospital staff member named Angus from England and I honestly want to keep him in my pocket for all of time. He was a PRECIOUS gem of a man who sat down with us and told stories of his wife who relocated to the U.S. because she was cast in Les Miserables on Broadway. NO BIG DEAL. Shoutout to Angus for totally taking my mind off of the anxiety of the procedure beforehand.
Anyways, I finally get called back to the X-Ray room. I change into my gorgeous, chic, high fashion hospital gown and get brought in to "hop up onto the table."
The doctor comes in and explains that the first part of the procedure will feel similar to a standard pap smear, but then he will insert a catheter into my fallopian tube, release dye, and then take an immediate X-Ray to see if the dye is moving through without any blockages. "Should take about 90 seconds in total," he says.
Sounds easy.
The X-Ray tech helps me get comfortable, explains that I may experience what is comparable to *mild labor pain* and the procedure begins. As the doctor starts to... ya know... do his thing, approximately 30 seconds to a minute go by and he says,
"Have you ever had any surgeries or procedures done on your cervix in the past??"
Uhh... no...?
"Hmmm..." he says.
I immediately think to myself, "Ohshit."
He then explains that he's having trouble even getting through my cervix and that he will need to dilate it. He asks the tech to grab him a tool from the counter and he begins to dilate my cervix... only to express that he is STILL having trouble getting through.
He asks, "Are you in pain?"
No... not really. But it's not the most comfortable I've ever been.
At the recommendation of my mother for any tough situation in life, I start singing a verse of "My Favorite Things" in my head to keep me calm...
...Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes. Silver white winters that OHSHIT.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
OKAY NOW I'M IN PAIN.
"Good," he says, "that means we're finally in."
He releases the dye and my pain is at about a 6.
Sidebar: if this is what mild labor feels like, this is a mental note to future Lindsay in labor to TAKE THE DRUGS. TAKE EM.
The X-Ray tech jumps into action to move the machine over my abdomen when I suddenly hear her whisper what no one wants to hear while they're sitting in pain with their goods exposed on a table:
"Ohshit."
The X-Ray machine stalled.
THE.
FUCKING.
X-RAY.
MACHINE.
STALLED.
So there I am feeling like a frog in a 9th grade biology class on dissection day and they are trying to keep their cool while attempting to jerk the machine into its desired position.
...WHEN THE DOG BITES!!! *GIANT EXHALE* WHEN THE BEEEEE STINGSSSS. *EVEN BIGGER EXHALE*
BREATHE THROUGH THE PAIN, SIS.
The tech runs out of the room to get help (YIKES) and on her way out, she shouts for the doctor to "COVER HER!" Doc throws a sheet over my legs to hide the lady bits as another tech comes in to save the day. He gives the machine a miraculously quick fix and then begins to explain how he did it, to which my original tech interjected "LATER."
Yes. LATER, SIR.
He runs out and she moves the machine over my lower abdomen. I'm then told to push back by straightening my legs.
Cool cool. Yeah, no biggie. I'm just over hear loudly exhaling through the pain but no problem lemme attempt to move the whole lower half of my body for ya.
As if that weren't enough, once they get the first images the doctor then proclaims, "Okay! Now time to rotate. Sway your hips back and forth."
YOU WANT ME TO WHAT NOW? ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU WHILE I'M AT IT? A LITTLE YOGA? HOW ABOUT SOME GYMNASTICS?
In an attempt to ease my pain, the doctor, bless his heart, decides to say "It's okay."
In the famous words of Rachel Green:
No uterus. No opinion.
4 and a half minutes after the start of the procedure, it finally ends. (Remember when doc said it would take 90 seconds? Yeah... yeah me too.)
They bring Joe in to talk about the results, which are instant for this procedure.
Good News: No blockages. Doc described my insides as a "perfect uterus."
Interesting News: Doc described my cervix as "closed for business" and said if he were a betting man, he might contribute some of our issues to the fact that he literally had to "apply force" to get through.
They say that even just having this procedure helps to increase people's odds of conceiving naturally in the months directly following. Here's hoping... as if that's anything different than what we've been doing for the past year.
I seem to end of all my blog posts about learnings. So here's the learning from this procedure in the words of my husband, who likes to keep things lighthearted:
I'm pretty uptight at first, but perfect on the inside.
(And yes, I got my breakfast biscuit afterwards.)
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Advice for those needing an HSG:
Take Advil/Tylenol beforehand. Bring a pad because there's dye up in you afterwards and well... gravity. Mild cramping continued over the next two days for me. I could have driven home, but it was definitely nice to take it easy post procedure.
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